So here we are, onto today. To sum it up:
Today was not a good day.
When I started this blog, it was (and is) my intention to share with you not only my food choices, but emotionally, how I was handling my issues with weight, weight loss and body image. With regards to these issues, I promised to be 100% honest and to wear my heart on my sleeve. I do this, not because I want to share my business with everyone, but because I know without a doubt that there are a lot of people out there dealing with the same issues. That said, I knew the day might come when I had to discuss a binge or some angst about my weight. My confession is as follows:
I had been weighing myself every morning since my last documented weigh in.
This may not seem like a big deal to people. And normally, it wouldn’t be for me. The problem was this: I had gained weight the day after last week’s weigh in. It upset me. Naturally, I blamed the pizza I had eaten the night before. But here’s the kicker:
My weight didn’t go back down. It stayed there. Despite all efforts.
Despite the clean eating, the exercising, the water, etc. It did not budge. And so today, I let myself get the best of me. I felt upset and angry. I irrationally thought to myself, “why am I going to all this trouble when it’s not even working??” And so instead of my planned visit to the gym,
I went to the grocery store.
I came home. I even fought it as I was about to do it. I grabbed a shirt and pants that I had bought on sale several weeks ago (a sale too good to pass up despite the clothes being a bit too tight) and tried them on. Not only did they fit (I couldn’t button up the pants before and the shirt cut into my arms) they looked cute. But can I tell you something? There was a voice (no, not literally lol) in my head telling me:
“It’s not good enough”
And so I sat down and I ate. I had some stir fry, some yogurt, 2 bowls of cereal and a box of belgian chocolates. I was angry the ENTIRE TIME I was eating.
Did I enjoy my food? Absolutely not!
Did I want to stop eating? Absolutely!
Was I full? Completely!
But the question is friends, what did I do? Did I stop eating? Those of you who have been in this position before know. I stopped when the food was gone, long after I was full.
And now all I feel is shame/guilt/regret/etc.
I have not binged in a very, very long time. Many years ago, it was part of my everyday life. I can’t even remember the last time I binged! But I let my anger and frustrations about the number on the scale affect me in a very negative way. For days I kept telling myself, “just ride it out, the weight will come down”, but today was just the last straw, and in retrospect, I feel ridiculous about it. I mean, I lost about 15 lbs in 3 weeks. And I’m upset about a 2.5 lb gain????? Why couldn’t I just be happy with the overall loss, think about how great I’ve been feeling lately and just continue enjoying the process? I mean, that’s what I had resolved to do, right?
Why do I need to be so hard on myself?
Good question. I have no idea. Unfortunately, these things do happen, and as someone who used to do a lot of emotional eating, it is evident that I am not immune. Remnants of my emotional eating remain and I need to reflect on how best to deal with this. One thing I am sure of though:
I’m going to let go of my guilt/shame/regret/feelings of failure this very minute.
Yup, there’s a reason I named the blog “Moment Anew” and unfortunately, sometimes we need more than one. Tonight, I start fresh and move on from here. That’s really all I can do. I chalk it up to being a learning experience, and focus on the positive:
I’m grateful to have the most wonderful, supportive husband a girl could ever have
I’m grateful to have this open, supportive forum in which to discuss these things
I’m grateful to be in good health
I’m grateful for my improved energy levels and general outlook since I have changed my eating habits
I’m grateful for the overall weight loss, which is impressive, regardless of any gain
I’m grateful to have the presence of mind to be able to move on from this moment and to learn from it
I mean, I’m a lucky, lucky girl. For many, many reasons. I guess sometimes, we get so caught up in ourselves we can’t see the forest for the trees. Taking a step back, I realize that this wasn’t the end of the world, despite the emotions I felt while it was happening.
So my plan for now is….
1.To continue my fabuloso eating habits, focusing on the usual–veggies, fruit, lean protein, healthy fats.
2.No counting calories yet–I’m really trying to avoid this
3.To really pay attention while eating and to stop when satiated
4.Get some cardio in every day–even just a light walk–this really seems to help with my mood
5.To stay away from the scale for now–consider a weigh in every other week or so, or to just go by measurements, I will have to think about this
6.Schedule in some special “me” time–either a massage or a facial at my favourite spa, or try out a yoga class
7.To focus on the positive: think about what I’m grateful for each day
8.To ask for help: from here on in, if I feel this happening again (though I pray it doesn’t) I have several friends I can contact to talk openly about this and will contact them instead of going it alone.
But in all honestly, can I just tell you that we are so much more than this!!! I am so much more than this silly binge. There is so much more to life than this and I will not let today’s experience define who I am. I will move on, continue to progress towards my goals and continue on my path to wellness. There is a big, wonderful world out there and I am ready to be a vital part of it as a healthy, happy person.
I refuse to give up. I know I’m worth it!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me. 🙂
Wow this may be one of the most honest posts I have ever read, and that to me means you are fully committed to your health. Congrats to you to be honest not only with your self but with your blog self. Post more awesome FRESH, CLEAN foods because they have been inspiring me! You inspired my recent Monday Morning Cleanse!!! Juice it up tomorrow morning girl!!!
Thanks so much for the kind words Amber. It means so much! 🙂
This is such a great post. I love how you are so honest with something that so many of us can understand. You are such an inspiration. I like your plan-you can and will get through this!
Tania-this brought tears to my eyes. I have been right there SO MANY times and you captured it. The raw emotion is there. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It’s so TRUE. You have such a great approach and the second part of this post is wonderfully hopeful. You are doing SO great but it’s okay not to be perfect. I know that I have the mentality that if I’m not perfect then it’s not worth it and that’s such a bad mindset-one that I’m trying to change! Again, thank you so much.
Thanks for your support girls 🙂
This is a great post! Thank you for your honesty.
I know it’s hard to see the big picture. About 8 years ago I lost 50lbs and have been trying to maintain since then. My weight fluctuates so much (about 20lbs) but I still haven’t hit the point where I’ve gained back more than 25lbs. I still beat myself up all the time that I’m not the lightest I could possibly be but it’s not about weight. It’s about health.
We are healthy women and we need to remember that.
I’ve definitely had moments EXACTLY like you described, but I think your refreshed mind set will help you get past it (and me too!).
Weight is a struggle but we can overcome it. Thanks for reminding me about the big picture!